How to have the conversations.
The most powerful safety tool you have is a conversation. Kids who feel they can talk to you are safer kids — here are the exact words, by age and by topic.
Kim & Ian here. We've spent 30 years helping families have these conversations. Start small, stay calm, and keep the door open — you've got this, and we're with you.
The golden rules
Lots of short, age-appropriate chats beat one big "talk" — in the car, on a walk, at dinner.
"Take a moment to collect yourself, or come back when you're both calmer." (eSafety)
"Listen twice as much as you speak." (Beyond Blue) Don't rush to a solution.
"We'll deal with this together." Kids go quiet when they fear punishment or losing the device.
It cuts them off from support and teaches them to hide problems. (eSafety)
Keep the door open — no question is off-limits, and they can always come back. (ThinkUKnow)
Conversation guides by topic
"Has anything online ever made you feel uncomfortable? What would you do if a stranger messaged you?" — Don't ban devices as the first response.
"You can always show me a message that upsets you, and you won't be in trouble." — Save URLs/usernames as evidence, not images.
"From your head to your toes, you say what goes. If your tummy feels yucky, who could you tell?" — Use correct names; don't force hugs.
"If anyone ever threatens you over a photo, come to me — you won't be in trouble. Don't pay, don't delete." Report to ACCCE; remove with Take It Down.
"I've noticed you've had a lot on your mind lately — I'm happy to talk or listen." Frame it as "you and me vs the problem". (headspace)
Asking doesn't "plant the idea". "Are you thinking about suicide?" Listen, don't leave them alone, link to help. (Mindframe-safe)
Agree a code word for "come get me". "I'll come any time, no questions asked, if you feel unsafe." Scare tactics backfire.
"If someone keeps trying to change your 'no', that's not them being chill — that's not them listening." Name early disrespect. (The Line)
Family tools
- Device rules you make together, framed around safety not punishment.
- Free templates from eSafety.
- Your child names 5 trusted adults who'll listen, believe & act.
- Include some from outside the home; put helplines in the palm.
- One for "come get me, no questions".
- One to verify any urgent money request (anti-scam).
- "We all have the right to feel safe."
- "Nothing is so awful we can't talk about it." Teach 000 + your mobile.
What to say, by age
| Under 8 | Primary (8–11) | Tween / Teen (12+) | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Online | Play together; "tell me if anything feels yucky" | "Who do you talk to online?" | Set settings together; "who would you tell?" |
| Body safety | Correct names; "your body belongs to you" | Secrets vs surprises; Network of 5 | Consent + early warning signs |
| Feelings | Name the feeling | "What if a friend felt sad?" | "You seem flat — what's up?" |
| Tough topics | Keep it simple, feelings-first | Answer questions honestly | Porn vs real life; the sextortion promise; parties code word |
Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 · Parentline (Qld/NT) 1300 301 300 · Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 · Lifeline 13 11 14 · 1800RESPECT 1800 737 732 · Emergency 000